halloween is not my favorite “holiday”, but i do enjoy dressing up and having a little fun with other friends. my parents were not fans of the day so we never went trick or treating. last year though, being pregnant with Tahlia, and i should have had a 9 month old (Reagan) to dress up, was rough. and it hit me really hard. one of those waves that you do not have a clue it’s coming. and we had no clue that a week later we would find out about Tahlia’s heart condition.
this year, i feel a little numb. what would Reagan be? what would I dress up Tahlia as? and that would mean i wouldn’t have Axel to put in his (adorable!) chili pepper outfit.
my heart aches and longs for those sweet girls of mine. all. the. time. i was playing softball catch with Renee the other day and realized that i won’t get that with Reagan or Tahlia, and instant tears came, and i kept telling myself i can’t think about that right now or i’ll not be able to play this right here, right now, and enjoy it.
grief is seriously all-encompassing. not a day goes by, or an activity, that doesn’t bring some kind of memory or trigger. and people will say it gets better. y’all, the hole is still there. the pain is still real no matter how long. it might be a little less intense. it might get to a point where i’m more at peace with it, but that doesn’t mean that my going to a wedding won’t trigger tears because i won’t get to see Reagan and Tahlia’s daddy dance the father/daughter dance with them at their weddings.
so, i think i would have Reagan be a cute little animal, maybe a puppy dog, a monkey, or an elephant? and Tahlia, i think i’d have her be a butterfly or dragonfly…
my sister finds songs and sends them to me and this one brings such tears as i long to hold my girls today and everyday.
smilingthroughtears 